sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
