'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
