I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
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