How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
