Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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