She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
