I'm going to jail i love you
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
