he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
