i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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