First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
