I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize