you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
