It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Someone stole a lamp last night.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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