Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
