just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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