the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
