so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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