what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
