I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize