I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
