Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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