The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
