I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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