Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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