I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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