You're my little dorito
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
