I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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