Three words: puerto rican gang bang
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
