My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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