I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize