I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
