Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I AM VODKA MAN
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
