I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
