dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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