there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
