He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
