good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I AM VODKA MAN
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
