ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
