Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize