Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
