I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
