woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
