You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
