you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
