Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
