Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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