this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
