if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
