I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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