Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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