Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
