He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
