I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize