So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
40s are totally the cure
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
