Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
