that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
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