We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Let's paint friendship bongs
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
