and next time when you feel me up, do it right
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
