Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
