Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
