Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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