I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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