I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Someone came in the potted fern
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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