the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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