dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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