first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
sarcasm needs its own font
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
