I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize