You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
