It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
