He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
not ubering you a puppy
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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